Stop the Clock! (part 2)

“What a Mess”
- – Jon st. John as Duke Nukem

So I’ve waited half my life for this game, and yesterday it announced that I started the “final battle”, and then it was done. Now I don’t usually do game reviews, since I only play Doom, Duke Nukem and Assassins Creed, but I’ll make an exception this time. So, did it live up to it’s expectation? No. Was it a good game? It was fair. Did you have fun? Yes, I laughed my ass off, but I’m kind of weak for this kind of humor.

duke-nukem

Duke Nukem has a terrible game engine. Just look at the picture above, does the girl turn you on? Does she look sexy? No. I’m looking at a friggin’ poser-model, which is badly lit. Most of the game does that to you. It is there, but it just isn’t. You know what I mean?
It has no open space-levels. No striking sound design. No volumetric audio. No realistic facial expression, No volumetric lighting. No Causting. Mediocre scripted action sequences. And Terrible acting.

But most annoyingly, the graphics are from a different era. We’re just up and about these graphics nowadays:

YouTube Preview Image

2004 called, Duke, and they want their engine back.

Still Duke Nukem is fun to play. As promised, you can interact with a lot of elements in the game (although I haven’t found a commander Keen Arcade machine). The game is quite easy to walk through, even in ‘hard’ mode and it’s funny as hell. Walking around with a shotgun, shooting pig-cops and kicking a Cycloid-Terror-Alien (or whatever these bosses are called) in the nuts is fun. Especially with the Duke wisecracking a reference or two. Splattering enemies with a machine gun is fun too, especially when you can go in and rip their heads off.

It’s all nostalgia. I played the Duke3d for nights on end, over an IPX network (and got blasted to bits by Schurem over and over again). I guess that  is my main concern; my illegal copy doesn’t allow local-network gameplay. These people aren’t actually thinking that I would pay for this crap? I want a game and a laugh, I’m not here spending money on this out-of-date-bullshit-excuse for a game. It’s nostalgia, dammit; a reminder of the fun I had when I was 15. Besides, I didn’t pay back then either; got my copy straight from the Twilight CD’s. Hell yeah. Back then it allowed for local network play too.

It’s a pity, because I would have had the most fun, presumably, shrinking Schurem and stepping on him (and get blasted to bits again by him after a respawn). Alas, in this day and age I need to login to Steam and register with payed-for credentials. Steam shouldn’t allow games that old on their network anyway. If you are about to bring out a game that is 7 years overdue, you should include an IPX network mod. I’ll dig up some serial cable again and get the computers together. Truth be told, the single player of Duke3d wasn’t that great either.

I’m serious about the price by the way, as Ravage puts it on GameFluke:

Duke Nukem Forever should also not be garnering a full-blown retail price of $60.  Instead 2kGames should have opted to release this as a bargain title at at less than 1/2 the price. [...].  Its clear Gearbox Software had one mission when they were brought in:  Just finish the damn game even if it sucks.

( italics by XX )

So with this part of my life finished I can look forward to real games. I hear the beta of Battlefield 3 will be available late september …

Posted: June 30th, 2011
Categories: nerd
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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